This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
