My liver just broke up with me...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
