I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
