apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
