Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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