Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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