I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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