there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
