he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
