Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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