Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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