I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
