Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
