I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
