Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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