Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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