who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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