Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
