im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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