I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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