you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
