everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
