You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
