so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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