community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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