I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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