i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
