I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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