I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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