that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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