I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
