my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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