you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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