Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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