Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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