why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
