I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Houston, we have a squirter
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
