dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
