Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
