I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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