He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
