Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
