Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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