Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
