you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
