you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
