sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
