I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
