Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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