You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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