My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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