Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
