Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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