i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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