Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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