I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
