peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
