Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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