you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
worst night to have a conscience
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
