I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
