3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
nutella sex= disaster
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
