Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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