So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
