If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
