I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
