She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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